Meditations on His Patience and Kindness.

For the past week I have been scrubbing away at a pan impossibly stuck with the black residue of last weekend's charred tortillas. (I realized in the middle of heating them that oiling the pan would have been a good idea.) After the initial four-day soak and subsequent fruitless scrub, Google prompted me to use some baking soda, and I let it sit for another day. For a hot second I seriously considered buying another pan (and I don't buy things), and definitely hadn't ever put so much elbow grease into any cleaning endeavor in my life's history. On the final day - tonight - I did what was the equivalent of a Jillian Michael's 30-day shred concentrated into my right bicep and fingertips for five minutes, scrubbing the crap out of that pan. I felt joyous relief and celebration as the black spots finally began to very slowly fade away. It was almost like, HEAVENLY JOY, like a serious victory had just happened. Over a pan finally being cleaned? Yes.

I could write an additional paragraph just to make you feel the frustration, bewilderment, and then hope of this experience... I don't know why I'm so passionate about you getting this but I just need you to know, this was a thing.

Why am I telling you this? Well this is the part where the revelation came.

In that moment I felt the Presence of God come and blanket me. Not like a rushing mighty wind. But like the comforting voice of a Father next to your ear. Like the surprise embrace of your lover. Like the sweet voice of an old friend you miss. Overwhelming you with a love you didn't think you could feel - much less while cleaning your dishes.

I felt the Lord say, "This is what I have been doing in you for the past year, and what I will continue to do in your heart." In that moment I felt thankfulness run through my heart and fill my body. I imagined His patience in soaking me in His Presence and truth, scrubbing me with kindness rather than anger and frustration, joyfully bearing with me in my process with Him (which means a lot to me by the way).

If I'm honest, I'm not very patient with myself. I will listen to you for hours. I will hold your hand. You can tell me anything - you're safe with me. I will fight for you. But me? Deal with it, Autumn. Suck it up. You're so immature sometimes. You should have learned by now. I can't believe you are living this way again. WHAT! Let me tell you what the voice of the Lord DOESN'T sound like.

This morning I realized I have a long way to go. Today the motto I constructed in my head was, "If there's anything I know, it's that I don't know anything."

It's comforting that He is okay with that, and in fact doesn't expect it anyway.

So in my state of tension and learning and trusting, I believe more today than I ever have, that He is not only for me but with me, not reluctant but celebrating my victories. Because of the way His presence came as I scrubbed my pan, I know that He will not take a knife and scrape me, but will use His hands.



May you feel His kindness in your process. May it overwhelm you. May the dry places, the places lacking in understanding and wisdom, lacking in the knowledge of His deep love for you - may those places be streams and waterfalls and oceans and rivers. May your deserts and islands be flooded with the realization that He is slow to anger and rich in love toward YOU.

Ministry Update.

Hey! This is our support letter - you should check it out.

I'm currently raising support for my Bethel mission trip, missions class, and strengths coaching class. Click here to give online and support me in my last semester at UGA Wesley! (Just create an account and find my name.) To give specifically to my Bethel trip, click here.

Thank you for your support!

Resources for Dreaming, & Dreaming About Dreaming.

Part 1: Resources for Dreaming

In preparation for the coming year I have been filing through the cabinets of my brain, the pages of many books, and the nooks and crannies of the interwebs. If you are serious about acting on what the Lord has put on your heart and would like some more wisdom and direction, or if you want to know what this whole fluffy dreaming thing is really about, here are a few things that have given me the necessary kick in the pants:

If you are the visually-inspired type, check out my Dreaming board on Pinterest. I encourage you to make your own! My Dreaming board just puts me in the right place to ruminate on possibilities and think outside the box.

Some great titles (most of these, with reviews and ratings, are on my Dreaming shelf on Goodreads):

 

A Million Mile in a Thousand Years // I've always loved Donald Miller and I can relate to the way he thinks and writes. Don shares his memoir of how he started to change his life after realizing his life was boring. This is a great starter, an easy read, hilarious, touching, and will prod you to get off the couch.

(all images from Google images - hopefully this doesn't defile my journalism degree)

Dreaming With God // This is probably the best book I've read through so far about what dreaming with God looks like. If you want to learn more about the creative wisdom of God, read this. Bill provides context through stories from his life and from the patriarchs of our faith. It's all about partnering with God and revealing who He is to the earth through every sphere of influence.

Dream Culture // This book is the idea that really catalyzed the process of dream coaching for me. Dream Culture is a great book with activation exercises and questions to get you thinking about what you were made to do. It's easy to follow and immensely practical. Eric and I helped lead a trip to Bethel Church in California this past spring break with UGA Wesley and we met with one of the authors (Andy). He went through a couple of simple exercises with us - critical thinking and inner healing - that really got me started with what I'll be doing this year.

  

Face to Face with God and When Heaven Invades Earth // Again by Bill Johnson (I really respect him, so naturally anything he writes is extremely credible and edifying to me), these are about how experiencing the Lord personally and partnering with His purposes flow together. Face to Face with God is about hungering for His presence; When Heaven Invades Earth is more about living out what we are called to. There are a lot of similar themes between these two. The people at Bethel really practice what they preach and I LOVE learning from their community's experiences and beliefs about the nature of God.

  

Always Enough and Compelled By Love // If there's anyone who knows what it means to know and fulfill the desires of God's heart, it's Heidi Baker. This woman is living the Great Commission through the outflow of the first commandment. Always Enough chronicles the Bakers' experience of loving the poor and how the Lord has always provided for them. Compelled By Love goes through what the Beatitudes have looked like on a daily basis in their lives.

Books I have yet to read but are next in line

(or just seem interesting enough to recommend)

     

The Creative Habit and  The War of Art and Bird by Bird // These are next on my books-to-buy list. They all deal with making art a discipline (TCH), overcoming creative blocks (TWoA), and for all you aspiring writers out there, offering wisdom on how to write with a specific step-by-step guide (BbB). If you are a creative who wants to intentionally invest in your gifts, I have heard different writers and teachers recommend these ones over and over.

 

Put Your Dream to the Test // I just ordered this book and it's probably the one I'm most excited to read. It's an aspect of dreaming that I've been hungry for - refining my dreams. The 10 questions are questions of: ownership, clarity, reality, passion, pathway, people, cost, tenacity, fulfillment, and significance. I bought this one because John seems to really combine theory with practice, which I'm a huge fan of because I need balance.

The Dream Giver // This one is written in the style of a parable - "Ordinary leaves the Land of the Familiar to pursue his Big Dream." I bought this one because it sounds like everyone's life (including mine).

Heavy Rain // Like Face to Face and When Heaven Invades, this is another Bethel book centered around the theme of awakening the world. I've only read a few excerpts from this one but I LOVE how Kris Vallotton thinks and teaches. Kris also talks about how renewing the mind of the church (i.e. our thoughts about eschatology) will change how we live out the Good News.

Fiction to inspire you

The Alchemist // This one has been a bestseller for a while now. It's not a Christian book but is definitely the classic tale of man going after his dream. I love reading secular fiction that reminds me of the truth that eternity is written on everyone's heart.

Honestly, you can read anything. Every book has the imprint of the dreamer within (especially the current dystopia trend in today's literature - they are all about dreaming for a better world).

Do you have any recommendations for that dreaming part of us (especially fiction)?

//

Part 2: In which I dream about dreaming...

(art by Katie Daisy - this quote is my current inspiration for dreaming; the Lord is haunting me with this beautiful question)

When Clay and I first met recently to discuss what this year will look like, he asked me some helpful questions. One was, "How does this [dream coaching] tie in vocationally for you?" I told him that, sadly, I am not confident about a whole lot of things, but I am confident about dreaming and helping people dream. I told him that I didn't know exactly how it figured into my life (and will never be able to say that about most things, because things change, and that's okay).

The problem with our (or maybe just my) perspective on ministry.

Recently I realized a problem.

This past weekend I went to a wedding shower for my brother and prospective sister-in-law. As I was catching up with one of his long-time friends, he asked about what field I was working in nowadays.

"I'm not," I said, in an almost sarcastic tone, then faintly corrected myself: "Well, I work with a campus ministry during the year and do photography work in between."

Right when I said it I was immediately disappointed with my attitude. After a few years of trying to explain to other people what I do through Wesley, I have become subconsciously discouraged. Thinking about support raising and catching people up with what I've been doing for the last two years has developed a mindset in me where I feel I have to prove that what I do is real "work," that it is actually worthwhile. It's not because I don't believe in it, but because I think other people won't. My attitude toward raising support has been one of, "How can I communicate to people that I'm not trying to take advantage of their generosity? How can I describe my internship in such a way that they won't think I'm a lazy person trying to bum some money off of them (which is possible by the way)?"

An Update from the Mrs.

Well, there are lots of exciting things happening around here (no, we're not pregnant)!

Here are a few:

-I am in the process of putting together a professional photography blogsite. I can't wait for this next step in my sweet dream!

-Eric is now working full-time with the Geek Squad and is also assisting a financial consultant in a small home-based firm.

-Did I mention Eric can do anything? He is finishing our pantry-turned-bathroom - plumbing, electrical, drywall, all of that fun stuff. He refuses to pay someone else to do what he can learn to do himself and that's something I really, really love about him. He is a natural problem-solver.

-Next year, for the last year of my internship at UGA Wesley, I will be assisting associate director Clay Kirkland with the second year interns. I seriously can't wait to encourage these amazing interns as a "dream coach." As the year starts I am going to be much more active tying into this blog what I am teaching - which means, consider yourself personally invited to partake in the dream coaching!

I feel deeply honored to assist Clay in this upcoming year. He is incredibly resourceful, creative, and empowering. I have so much to learn from him and the leadership process and I can't wait to share it with you all!

//

What the vision of each year of the internship is like:

First year: focus on inner healing; knowing God and knowing ourselves so that we can better fulfill our callings

Second year: focus on leadership by understanding our unique strengths and passions and stepping out in confidence

Third year: focus on stepping out in our individual strengths by investing in a specific focus within the ministry

//

I know that this next year will be a year of truly dreaming with the Lord (dream = a desire of the heart). A certain Dumbledore quote has come to my mind often in the dreaming process - "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." I passionately want to dream AND live. I want to be a faithful steward of HIS dreams. His dreams are the dreams I want to dream.

What are the desires of your heart? Hopefully you will stick around once the dream updates start rollin'. I think you will enjoy them and will learn how to search both your own heart and His.

Love,

Autumn

Closer.

Been playing this song on repeat for a few days now. Perfect for where my heart is, and for where our ministry is.

Family.

Today a Brazilian evangelist (this is already a great story) came with his team and ministered to our staff. He called people to the front for prayer if they were unsure about their future. I stayed in my place but Eric and maybe 15-20 others knelt at the stage steps. As the rest of us prayed for the Holy Spirit to move as he pleased and speak life and destiny over our staff family, we watched as the man prophesied over each one. As he called forth the things in God's heart for them, we fought for them. We said "Yes Lord!" and we spoke powerful words over them. We were unafraid for our voices to be heard as we stood and prayed for each other. In those moments of weakness we were not embarrassed to call each other family.

Whether or not you have been involved in a church body, I want you to know that this is what it's supposed to look like. In this moment we were admitting before each other and before God that we weren't where we wanted to be and calling forth the heaven that was established in each other before we were even born. With power and authority we stood before God and said, "This one has purpose. Heal him. Release him to love. Anoint him to go forth in power and authority. This one's life is marked."

I know that the body of Wesley isn't perfect. Trust me, it's not hard to see what we struggle with. But if you want to take anything from what the Lord is doing us, it's that the body needs to fight for the Lord's glory to be called forth from each other, no matter how scary it is.

I know that it is safe to put on a mask. It is safe to feign perfection before the ones we love. I've done both. But we will gain nothing and the kingdom of God will not advance this way! I know it's easy to sit in a church pew and hide for your life. Good luck with that. I invite you to come before the Lord naked and unashamed, realizing that He is a Father taking you by the hand and leading you into dreams of eternal worth.

So I have a choice. You have a choice. We can be afraid and hide or we can trust Him. I know that this is what He is asking of me. It's the difference between nothing and everything.