Meditations on His Patience and Kindness.

For the past week I have been scrubbing away at a pan impossibly stuck with the black residue of last weekend's charred tortillas. (I realized in the middle of heating them that oiling the pan would have been a good idea.) After the initial four-day soak and subsequent fruitless scrub, Google prompted me to use some baking soda, and I let it sit for another day. For a hot second I seriously considered buying another pan (and I don't buy things), and definitely hadn't ever put so much elbow grease into any cleaning endeavor in my life's history. On the final day - tonight - I did what was the equivalent of a Jillian Michael's 30-day shred concentrated into my right bicep and fingertips for five minutes, scrubbing the crap out of that pan. I felt joyous relief and celebration as the black spots finally began to very slowly fade away. It was almost like, HEAVENLY JOY, like a serious victory had just happened. Over a pan finally being cleaned? Yes.

I could write an additional paragraph just to make you feel the frustration, bewilderment, and then hope of this experience... I don't know why I'm so passionate about you getting this but I just need you to know, this was a thing.

Why am I telling you this? Well this is the part where the revelation came.

In that moment I felt the Presence of God come and blanket me. Not like a rushing mighty wind. But like the comforting voice of a Father next to your ear. Like the surprise embrace of your lover. Like the sweet voice of an old friend you miss. Overwhelming you with a love you didn't think you could feel - much less while cleaning your dishes.

I felt the Lord say, "This is what I have been doing in you for the past year, and what I will continue to do in your heart." In that moment I felt thankfulness run through my heart and fill my body. I imagined His patience in soaking me in His Presence and truth, scrubbing me with kindness rather than anger and frustration, joyfully bearing with me in my process with Him (which means a lot to me by the way).

If I'm honest, I'm not very patient with myself. I will listen to you for hours. I will hold your hand. You can tell me anything - you're safe with me. I will fight for you. But me? Deal with it, Autumn. Suck it up. You're so immature sometimes. You should have learned by now. I can't believe you are living this way again. WHAT! Let me tell you what the voice of the Lord DOESN'T sound like.

This morning I realized I have a long way to go. Today the motto I constructed in my head was, "If there's anything I know, it's that I don't know anything."

It's comforting that He is okay with that, and in fact doesn't expect it anyway.

So in my state of tension and learning and trusting, I believe more today than I ever have, that He is not only for me but with me, not reluctant but celebrating my victories. Because of the way His presence came as I scrubbed my pan, I know that He will not take a knife and scrape me, but will use His hands.



May you feel His kindness in your process. May it overwhelm you. May the dry places, the places lacking in understanding and wisdom, lacking in the knowledge of His deep love for you - may those places be streams and waterfalls and oceans and rivers. May your deserts and islands be flooded with the realization that He is slow to anger and rich in love toward YOU.